Monday, May 25, 2009

New Guardians #2


Sex-crazed international clichés vs. the awesomest villain ever!

Another text review turned to video!


48 comments:

Jer said...

wait hows the pink guy going to spread his seed, or whatever when he's gay? that goes against their whole purpose.

Jer said...

i thought only mr.T was invunrable to bullets, cattle prods, ect. as long as they saw it coming

tj.phoenix said...

You've made me laugh at Hitler footage...... you are awesome.

Anonymous said...

jer dont you know anything about science?!

日本文化のマニアック said...

”If their job is to spread their genes via procreation, why is there a gay guy in the group?"

I think we now know what Warrior was really talking about when eh said "queering doesn't work." He was talking about the New Guardians!

Seriously, though, the whole concept is stupid, don't over-think it.

Ka-Byrnes said...

whats even more contradictory than a gay guy in a comic promoting eugenics is the fact that they would give these guys superpowers and put them in situations (like the zombie aids monsters or, i don't know, EVERY SUPERVILLAIN their bound to come across who will gladly kill them) that could possibly doom any plans of procreation.

Mitch said...

Haha, I don't understand why they want a good fraction of the human race to have to live as half man, half tree people. It says a lot about the US though if they create a team of people meant to be the forefathers of an evolved form of man and none of them are actually from the US.

Kimarous said...

I agree with you about all those cliches, especially the Japanese one. I'll admit, an original superhero story I'm working on features a Japanese cyborg/android, but it's hardly innate.

Ordinary person who consumed mentally-stimulating mutated fruit, thus allowing him to survive a procedure that, against his will, turned him into a self-aware wireless modem =/= natural computer prowess simply from being Japanese.

Anonymous said...

gasoline is used in the making of cocaine, im guessing thats why the guy had it there, cocaine itself can also be very flammable in a dust explosion when a high concentration of cocaine mixed with the oxygen in the air, combusts to produce a large fireball. maybe he had it near the pool incase it went up inflames he could put the fire out quickly by draining the pool. heck maybe its where the bad guys armory is and they had a bunch of rpgs, granades, and ammo stored there.

Rhomega said...

Cocaine will give me super strength? *goes to buy some coke*
...
What were the Guardians doing in Africa chasing a coke-powered supervillain again?

Lewis Lovhaug said...

South America, actually. The CIA guy told 'em to go deal with Snowflame.

Alex Stritar said...

It's sad when the only likeable charicter in your comic is the villian.

And here's a beter question, if their job is to procriate and spread their DNA for the new generation, then why are they in a dangorus field like fighting crime? Why aren't they in a secure lab where their DNA coould be safe?

Celinra said...

Yay for TVTropes!

Also, this isn't really related to this post in particular, but today I bought "Revolution of the Mask." I really enjoyed it! 1984-type stories are among my favorites. Keep up the good work, I can't wait for the second issue!

pablumatic said...

The comic's premise looks to be created from pulling strips of paper with random ideas written on them out of a hat.

In a universe where magic and all sorts of other fantasy and sci-fi elements exist it seems like there would be better, safer, and saner options for making super babies.

The House of C.R.P said...

Well, there goes Godwin's Law.

Still a great review, maybe Snowflame put the shed there because, hey, he was high.

And the New Guardians must have the special immunity that 98% of Doctor Who villains have. Immunity to bullets! Sadly it seems to be dying out these days (Poor Master, Sontarains and Stingrays O Doom)

*This comment is dedicated to the memory of Snowflame. R.I.P*

Lew the Sweater Guy said...

It's really sad when the only redeeming factor of a comic book is a supervillain who's powered by cocaine. And my God! The outfits are just terrible. And I have a hard time telling whether Ram is translucent or what. Part of him are fleshed out, but part of him is also see through? How does that even work?

Ah, screw it! I'll go nuts just thinking about it.

KyleJCrb said...

Another great review, Linkara. Nice Fridge Logic at the end too. That never occurred to me!

Anonymous said...

Snow Flame isn't dead! He lives on under the name of Dr Rockso, and he does cocaine.

PontifexPrimus said...

Some random thoughts:
Heh, a cocaine-snorting villain and a superhero team dealing
with AIDS; the only way the comic could have been more 80s was if one of them wore Hammer pants.

"Photosynthesis doesn't work that way!"
Oh yeah. I also kept wondering why a plant being would be affected by a plant extract at all: so many drugs and poisons come from vegetation, so why should a walking tree be negatively influenced by them?

Sooo... the official CIA dress code is now brown jacket, plaid shirt, and glasses?
Linkara, is there anything you'd
like to tell us about your "other" job? ;)

Great review, and I loved the summary at the end - I know almost all comics require some suspension of disbelief, but those were points where the creators of this clearly crossed a line.

LN said...

So there's a gay guy, a robot/computer/thing and a plant-man? Way to spread the genes! :D

Paul S. said...

I'd love to see Snowflame make a comeback in the pages of Secret Six.

KHarn said...

Ram failed to defeat Snowflame when he punched him in the gut because Ram forgot to yell "I AM A MAN!"

You're right, it just doesn't work otherwise.

rott said...

If this was a French comic, it would probably take place in a more SF like setting, and they would have sex even with snowflame.
In a bit more graphic manner than the comic code would approve

Rhomega said...

South America, Africa, it's a jungle. Just goes to show how memorable the comic is.

Truce Weston said...

Compared to Warrior, Snowflame is as coherant and logically realistic as they come, in terms of villains! lol!

This comic looks bad, but compared to some of the others, it's actually not the worst that's been Fourth Walled, Snowflame and plot aside.

He looks like a mix of Super Macho Man from Mike Tyson's Punch Out, that excerise guy with the long hair, and with disco era Dazzler's makeup sense with just a touch of Kiss's makeup sense.

So until they ban whatever drugs the creators when on when they created Snowflame, MAKE MINE LINKARA

SuperSonicGoku said...

jetpack hitler? THATS ALMOST AS CRAZY AS SUPER SAIYAIN HITLER! (Anne frank/dbz crossover fanfic)

Carrie said...

Now that I think about it, couldn't the Guardians just donate some eggs or jerk off in a few cups if they want to help poplate the world?

Anonymous said...

The Next Guardians fails biology forever.

mightysamurai said...

"Photosynthesis doesn't work that way!"
Oh yeah. I also kept wondering why a plant being would be affected by a plant extract at all: so many drugs and poisons come from vegetation, so why should a walking tree be negatively influenced by them?
Um, probably for the same reason why humans are negatively affected if we're given the wrong blood type in a transfusion.

Chemicals are chemicals, no matter where they come from.

Anonymous said...

Thrill as they fight crime, cruise singles bars and jerk off into a cup!

Jeremy A. Patterson said...

This is one of the wackiest books ever published!

I have posted the episode about the Sultry Teenage Super Foxes on the Platypus Comix message board

www.platypuscomix.com

J.A.P.

Nathan said...

hey Linkara, what address should we send shitty comics to to get you to say funny things about how much they suck?

Carrie said...

Have you noticed the woman in 9:23 has a bit of an ape-face?

shikome kido mi said...

So bullets follow Wile E Coyote's Law of Gravity?
Who knew?

Elemental said...

"We can extract drugs from people's bodies by touch....and we have a supervillain who's unstoppable while he's high....nope, can't think of any way to combine those two."

Also, FWIW, I remember the same mistake about AIDS transmitting through bites in an old episode of "Prime Suspect".

PanNarran said...

Wait a minute, isn't "Extraño" the spanish word for "queer"?

Oh for... *incoherant rant*

NGT said...

Insiderish Trivia: Nobody calls the CIA "the Agency".

They're "the Company".

Poor Snowflame. :( I loved his math show when I was little. One suitcase for an airliner.

(Also what is the chemical shed doing blowing up like that? This is a coke...place, not a meth lab. They shouldn't have stuff that's going to be blowing up like that AFAIK.)

theory_of_everything said...

Okay, who'd win in a fight, Snow Flame or Warrior?

I say Snow Flame.

theory_of_everything said...

I actually did Snowflame fan art

http://theory-of-everything.deviantart.com/art/SNOWFLAME-161895392

Anonymous said...

Actually, HIV is carried in all bodily fluids, including saliva. However, there is so little of the virus that saliva is physically incapable of infecting anyone. Not just a one-in-a-million chance, but physically impossible. That said, if a character were highly infectious, it is feasibly possible for him or her to spread the HIV virus around. Unlikely, but certainly possible, made more possible that it is being put into the bloodstream rather than a particularly nasty kiss with overly large amounts of tongue.

-Jesse Reno
jreno665@hotmail.com

Ein said...

It amazes me, simply amazes me, that in the two reviews of this comic. You don't point out, and only 1 commenter points out that while yes there is a gay guy on the team there is absolutely NOTHING to stop him from having children. Being a Lesbian doesn't mean that your uterus shrivels because you don't need it.

What IS retarded is that they made one guy seemingly entirely of clear holofoil and computery doodads and seemingly has no genitals of which to speak. Unless he's just in some sort of full body saran wrap with a pattern on it. Which would be a really stupid costume. Even worse than the Carpeted Man from the Tick. At least that getup served a purpose.

TimeTravelerJessica said...

So ... if it's so important for them to procreate why don't they just donate their sperm and eggs to a bank somewhere? We've had test tube babies since the late seventies, so they could have just passed on their "superior genes" to couples who need help having kids and go about their business. Problem solved. No need to worry about having lots of sex or the women getting pregnant or the gay guy having to go against his orientation for the sake of humanity. Any of them could get killed on a mission and it wouldn't matter because their genes would be safe in a freezer somewhere. There. That's how you solve every ongoing problem in this stupid thing, writers.

Vanessa said...

During Free Comic Book Day, I went browsing my local comic shops to increase my small collection. Lo and behold, I found New Guardians #2.

I've been having so much fun showing off the epicness of Snowflame. None of my friends can believe that a character like him existed.

Thanks for spreading the cocaine-driven word of Snowflame. He deserves his own line of comics.

Ebon said...

Just came across this while doing an archive binge. Snowflame is beyond AWESOME! If DC has any sense (yeah, up for debate right now), Snowflame will return in the upcoming relaunch of the Sucide Squad.

Sake Mangusto said...

If the New Guardians upcoming review this month was half as good as this one you may probably start a new trend.

And they only use Snowflame once and never again, what a shame DC.

Anonymous said...

@Eln Except the gay guy himself said he wont sleep with women.

Anonymous said...

@Ein
It amazes me, simply amazes me, that in the two reviews of this comic. You don't point out, and only 1 commenter points out that while yes there is a gay guy on the team there is absolutely NOTHING to stop him from having children. Being a Lesbian doesn't mean that your uterus shrivels because you don't need it.


The reason why noone pointed that out is because everyone else can see the obvious: GAYS DO NOT WANT TO SLEEP WITH WOMEN.
And since these morons wanted to reproduce solely by sex and the guy pointed out that he is not going to sleep with women, he really has no reason to be there.

Mateja Kovač said...

I was hoping you'd review this comic ever since I saw Top 15 WTF Moments in Bad Comics :D

"Steve! Steve, I know it's funny, but get his hand off of there!" I laughed for 2 minutes XD

Team America musical joke was awesome as well! Also, nice easter egg, took me forever to pause at that single moment to read it :B

And the gay guy is probably a groupie :B